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| Mommy time is very elusive |
I've come to realize that I'm doing a great job of taking care of just about everything and everyone in my life these days, all except for little ol' me. My children are well fed, showered with affection, and the center of my universe. My boyfriend is supported, loved, and his manly needs are almost always met- even when I'm dog tired from chasing the little people all day. My home is relatively clean (mostly because we are in the process of selling it and I try to have it ready for a showing at a moment's notice). I enjoy making home cooked meals that nourish my family's mind, body, and soul. Yup, I'm feeling pretty good about everything these days except me, ya know, that person who is supposed to be #1 for herself, so she can be everything to everybody else. Yeah, I'm failing miserably with that.
After 2 beautiful children (my son is 3 and my daughter is 5 months) I can honestly say I have no clue who I am anymore other than "mom." I also hold the title of "girlfriend," but that's not so helpful either. I used to be wild, carefree, fun, always ready for an adventure, and continuously trying to learn new things. The only new things I've learned in the past several months are a few nursery rhymes. I don't identify with any specific religion, but I used to feel connected and one with the universe around me. My soul feels stagnant. I used to love to write poetry and was beginning to attempt painting. I haven't even so much as looked at a pen or brush in months.
The irritating thing in all this is that I know better than to have let myself get to this point. I know I matter. I know I need me time. But that is really hard to come by anymore and I always have an excuse:
The baby will flip out because I won't be there to nurse her and whoever is left caring for her will be stressed.
I need to spend more time with my son since his sissy came along.
I need to cuddle with my man because our relationship matters, too.
The house is a mess and I can't rest until it's somewhat clean.
I'll do something for me tomorrow, or next week, or next month.
I could nap but who am I kidding one of them will wake up as soon as I close my eyes.
If I had a penny for every excuse I'd be rich. I guess I just feel like "me time" is selfish. And I'll have to work twice as hard to catch up for whatever time I do get. But I'm starting to really feel the run down. The depression. The overwhelming feeling of I just can't freaking do all of this...and it's because I simply can't. None of us can do it all but, wow, do we exhaust ourselves trying! I'm waiting for something to give. A levy to break. Eventually, I'm going to have to suck it up and take the first step. Go get a mani/pedi- the baby and babysitter will survive. Only sing 5 bedtime songs to the boy instead of 10. Tell my lover tonight will have to wait. Splurge and hire a maid one week. Do something in the next hour for myself, like cover my head in pillows, put on Mickey Mouse, and make that nap happen! I'm going to have to just do it at some point because if not, I run the very serious risk of spontaneous combustion. I have to take care of me so I can take care of them. They need me. We have to take care of us because they need us.
This evening I took a baby step and went on a walk. Granted I had the baby with me but the stroller kept her occupied and my ear buds bumping Florence and the Machine let me escape for a much needed break. Tomorrow, I might just polish my nails. Haha, gotta dream big. Got to take it one day at a time. Got to find me again and honor her, because she is an awesome hardworking mama and she deserves it. We all do!
