Can you spoil a baby?

"It is impossible to treat a child too well. Children are spoiled by being ignored too much or by harshness, not by kindness." - author Sloan Wilson

Me? Spoiled?

Has anyone ever told you that you'll spoil the baby by holding him so much? Hold back on the urge to punch their advice back down their throat and disregard their warning.

Babies who are tended to quickly after crying and held often grown up to be more independent than babies who do not receive this "attachment parenting," a term coined by Dr. William Sears. This practice of bonding and attentive parenting demonstrates trust and safety to a child.

To me, attachment parenting is the only thing that feels natural. I am lucky to be a stay-at-home mom, so I have been able to on-demand nurse and feed, babywear, play, get outdoors, respond to cries quickly and put my son to sleep whenever he needed it, however he needed it, rather than put him on a schedule. He is a sweet, calm, happy baby! And I hope it stays that way.

I understand that parents who go back to work would do things a bit differently, and that's more than okay, because this parenting thing works differently for everyone.

What made me start thinking more about this is a comment someone made to me recently. This pregnant mama was peeved because folks have been telling her she may want a crib or bassinet in the bedroom with herself and husband, whereas she had been planning on putting the baby in his crib from the get-go in his own room. She texted me, saying, among other things, "... I don't want to get into the process of him sleeping with us or beside the bed. I am breastfeeding, but I can get up. What do you think?"

Of course I told her that a lot will depend on her kid but that we ended up co-sleeping because it was much easier for us and we got better sleep not having to wake up and move to another room, put our son back to sleep, come back and put ourselves back to sleep, repeat again and again. This was especially important for us in the first few shocking months of sleep-deprivation during which our child would feed the norm two to three hours.

Then I told her, "You can say, 'My kid's going to ...' as much as you want, but reality could always be different."

She said, "Yeah, I just don't want to have a spoiled brat on my hands."

That's when it struck me: Not everyone in our generation understands that tending to a baby or small child's needs on-demand is important to their development and will not spoil a child! Her thought-process surprised me, as I consider it an outdated way of child-rearing.

I think of it this way: A baby can't communicate wants versus needs, so each cry is a need. Likewise, a toddler or small child still has not mastered the art of self-expression (hello, temper tantrums) to convey what they want or need, but this does not mean they are spoiled. They are telling us in the most effective way they have at their disposal that something in their little world is not quite right. And it is our responsibility to respond appropriately and lovingly, not dismissively, and that does not mean by always saying yes. A child who has his needs met and has this sense of security is more likely to become a happier, more confident and independent person, according to research.

My son is only just 1 year old and still can't tell me what he needs, mostly. He's learned to arch his back and flail his legs and cry, usually if I set him down in his play area and he isn't wanting the independent playtime. This isn't a product of spoilage; he simply wants interaction from me or my husband or the dogs or cat, or, in some cases, the Roomba. I do sometimes leave him in the play yard when he responds like this, but only when I need him out of trouble for long enough to use the bathroom or eat or put something in the oven. Then I grab him back up or get in there and play with him.

We don't claim to be perfect or near-perfect parents, but we do the best we can with the evidence-based information that's out there. It's a lot to weed through but totally worth it.

Now, "My Super Sweet 16"? Totally, utterly rotten to the core.

"Children desperately need to know - and to hear in ways they understand and remember - that they're loved and valued by mom and dad." - author Paul Smalley

Here are a few good links:
WebMD: "Is Your Child Spoiled?"
Ask Dr. Sears: "Spoiled Children or Healthy Babies?"
Attachment Parenting: "Respond with Sensitivity"
Parenting Science: "The Science of Attachment Parenting"
Psychology Today: "Can You Spoil Your Baby?"