Working Mommy Guilt

“Mommy, do you have work today?”

“Yes baby, I do – it’s Wednesday..”

I see her sweet little face filled with hope become crestfallen.
“Oh… When will it be the weekend?”

“I have to work today, tomorrow, and Friday, but then it’s the weekend and we get two whole days together!”

She smiles again. I’ve successfully cheered her up, but I feel worse than ever. Three more days of work and then only two with my family until it’s back to work again. I know we need my income, and, if I’m being brutally honest, I do like that I have my work to myself and am a role model of an independent woman for my daughters (4 years old and 9 months old). However, being a working mom is harder than I ever imagined it would be.

When I used to dream about being a mom I always fantasized about doing what my mom did. She took a couple years off from work when my sisters and I were babies, then she taught high school, so she was essentially working when we were at school anyway. Then reality hit. I tried the education major thing, and a class full of six grade math students taught me that I hate teaching!

So I’m an accountant/office manager. Because that’s what I’m good at and I can make enough money to cover our mortgage, groceries, utilities, and other bills.

I send my oldest to a Montessori preschool because she’s precocious and I feel less guilty about being at work on those days when she’s busy at school.

And that’s really what is the hardest thing about being a working mom (or actually, a mom in general). The constant guilt. Am I doing enough? Am I present enough? Am I enough? When I’m at home the housework piles up. When I’m at work and I have nothing to work on, I am desperate to get home, but I have to stay. I feel like I’m never giving, never doing, enough. I like to sleep in sometimes, but I hate to miss time with my kids. Bedtime is a struggle because I desperately need to recharge, but I hate missing out on more time!

I work in a small office and I was fortunate to be given four weeks of paid maternity leave, and then brought my baby into office for another six or eight weeks. While I totally understand that I am lucky and that many, too many, new mommies have to leave their babies because they don’t have the luxury of paid maternity leave or the option to bring their babies to work, it was not an easy time. Trying to work while breastfeeding; answering the phone while trying to shush a crying infant; or restraining myself from killing anyone that made noise while she was sleeping was really stressful. Even being able to have these extra weeks of bonding with my infant gave me guilt. Was my older daughter jealous? Was I really doing the best thing by my baby by trucking her into the office everyday and exposing her to the public? Was she getting enough sleep?

Now that she is older I can’t bring her in with me. And the saga of pumping began. As I mentioned, I work in a small office, so pumping was INCREDIBLY awkward. I had to leave my desk and go into the conference room (which has a fully windowed door), and then the pump was so loud. I didn’t even get that much milk. I recently weaned my baby, even though I wanted to go longer, because my supply was decimated from being away from her and having such a stressful pumping experience – more guilt.

I know that I am luckier than most, my husband gets to stay home with the kids, so I don’t have the additional guilt of leaving them with “strangers.” But it’s another kind of pain because I am intensely jealous of my husband. When I’m home I’m constantly making sure I’m the one they need, getting drinks and kissing boo-boos, and playing. I want to make sure they remember they can ask for mommy to do these things for them too. And, since I’m being honest here, I know my husband is jealous of my time away, and that makes me feel guilty too. Why should I get to leave the house and go do things while he is stuck at home all day?

So basically: Hi, I’m Katie and I have Working Mom guilt. I know that if I stayed at home I would have Stay At Home Mom guilt. We moms worry and worry and worry about our babies. We want the best for them, even if what we want for them doesn’t logistically make sense. I mean, it’s best for my kids to have a home (hence the working to pay the mortgage), but I also think it would be best for me to be at home with them (hence the guilt!). And as hard as it is, I’m going to keep being a working mom, because that’s what works right now for my family. And I’m proud to be able to show my daughters that they can do whatever they want to do and that they can provide for themselves and their families. So, I’m trying to work on my constant guilt and just be in the moment and enjoy the time that I do get to spend with my girls. Because THAT is what’s best for all of us.